The Abortion Issue

When I was a child, my sister and I had a couple of hamsters and one had babies.  I didn't quite understand why the mother chose to eat her babies, but today I have a better understanding.  The mother understood that we, as humans could do whatever we wanted to these babies against her power and although we didn't plan on harming the babies, she knew that she couldn't protect them from what we were capable of.


It gives me an understanding of why some mothers, even though they are loving and caring towards children, make the decision to terminate a pregnancy.  Sometimes mothers cannot make a judgment on whether or not their child will live a life without constant struggle and wounds that may effect their children for the rest of their lives.  I understand that they may not want to bring a child into certain situations that are against their power.  Mothers deserves to have the choice.


It's not a very happy topic. I know that the choice can even haunt them for the rest of their lives but they usually already understand that.  Even so, they deserve the right if they so wish.  It's a personal matter and if you hold it against them, then you need to shake your head.  This is something that does not concern you.  Even if you are a mother who had thought about making the choice and decided not to.  Even if you are a mother who is so happy that they didn't do it and couldn't imagine your life without your child, it still does not concern you unless you are asked.  There are different circumstances in every life.


We live in a world when lives are very far from perfect and making it hard for people to even stay stable themselves.  Sure, there's adoption.  But some mothers don't feel that they could give the child up for adoption for a number of different reasons, which again do not concern you.


It is not up to you to make judgments against mothers who make the choice.  They are already unhappy that they went through with it, just as they would be unhappy that their child is off somewhere in the world and they're not allowed to know if it's okay.  The kind of thoughts that could make a woman go crazy.


I know that the haunting memory of the choice isn't of a good mental decision on the other hand but you can see why it is such a difficult decision to make and why they don't deserve bible verses or prolife statements shoved in their faces...  generally they know there will be consequences for the choice.  How are you helping by spouting comments of shame?  Let them live on and don't stand in their way of a possible happier tomorrow.  They're only human for Christ's sake.

I Do Understand Why You Don't Agree with My "Lifestyle"

When I think of my recent wedding and the stress that came shortly before it, there was nothing more stressful than dealing with my husband’s religious family members.  However, it’s not like I don’t understand where they are coming from.  I once believed that God wouldn’t be happy with me if I embraced my inner desires.  I also tried convincing myself that these were just feeling of lust and likely not something that contributes to the love of God.

In high school, I was proud to be a Roman Catholic and practiced a mostly chaste lifestyle.  I wanted to please God in every way that I could, however my “weakness” like most other teenage boys was masturbation.  Any time I had strong sexual feelings for another boy, I shamed myself then even further shamed myself for what I did in private.  However that’s not a habit that’s easy to stop as a teenage boy with all of those hormones going crazy.  Otherwise, I was all about saving myself for a wife.  I wondered if once I had a wife, that maybe these desires would be tamed or even go away.  Go ahead and laugh. ;)

In almost every other way, I would say I was the typical good role model as a Catholic boy with the exception of my dirty sense of humor I enjoyed sharing with classmates.  My social life wasn’t the greatest because of how much I brought up the religion subject but I was close to God and to me that was way more important.

My childhood best friend introduced me to churches other than Roman Catholic ones too.  He was more into the charismatic evangelical churches and although I proud to be a Catholic, I enjoyed meeting new friends in these other churches and also enjoyed the way they worshipped a lot more.  I actually enjoyed going to church when I went with these friends, whereas when I went with my family to Catholic Church, I didn’t feel welcome by the regular church goers.

I made a decision shortly after high school. I felt as if God was liberating my soul in a way.  I wanted to be more open to these other churches.  We all worshiped the same Jesus and as a Catholic boy I was taught by teachers that the bible isn’t completely accurate and the catechism has been changed on some past issues in the first place.  So how can I be so sure that the other denominations were all wrong?

There was a boy I went to meet whom I had been chatting with on “Myspace” and we went to go see a movie.  I gave into my desires with him that evening and I just remember on the bus ride home how ashamed I felt.  I then said to myself, that I would never do that again.  I told him when I got home on my computer that I didn’t want to see him again.

Eventually I made my regular church an Alliance one.  I liked that they wanted me to get involved and looked at me with a lot of respect.  They even let me wear my baseball cap to church!  I was like “I never have to do my hair for church here! Awesome!”

I took chastity even more seriously and even had many church member pray for me about the “sin” I did in private.  I was addicted to porn by this point, although I didn’t share the kind of porn that I was watching to my friends.

Eventually I was a leader for the youth in the church and through a retreat I met a girl who seemed as silly and goofy as me.  We got along great I showed her so much respect in our relationship, except what I was still doing in private.  The prayers and the suppression were not helping and now there were even male friends in the church who I was having these desires for.

My girlfriend dumped me because she could tell I wasn't interested in her like other couples show each other.  I had a friend who got into the wrong crowd shortly after the breakup who I was very attracted to, and I struggled with those feelings for him.  Being a believer that this was not right, I didn’t act on these feelings.  When he met these new friends, he didn’t come to see me much anymore and the hurt I experienced from that showed me that I loved him much more than a friend.  I missed the way he would hug me, the way he told me he loved me and that I was his best friend. 

I still struggled for quite some time.  But it got to the point where my old friends felt that I was becoming too religious and I missed them.  I started to reevaluate what I was doing to myself and the friends that had been there for me since before all of this happened.  I’ve had best friends before, and finally realized that whenever I called someone my best friend, I truly loved them as something more.  The thing I most wanted was a male best friend who wanted me as much as I wanted him which I had yet to find.  The hurt and pain that I experienced from the friend who stopped seeing me was far too intense to ignore.  I was aware that I needed someone special in my life.  I stopped going to church and recognized that there were some things that I needed to figure out with the people in my life who want me in their lives just because they loved me and not because I shared similar beliefs as them or went to the same church as them.

As I got older, I realized how much more I needed a companion in my life in so many ways.  I never have done well all by myself.  I lived by myself for around 5 years in an apartment and those were some of the darkest times of my life.  I was suicidal at one point and although I was embracing my sexuality by this point, I would get “cold feet’ a lot due to the echoes of the church.  I started to realize that nothing in my life would work unless I gave myself over to love and became more trusting to other people in my situation.  I started to date more seriously and seeking someone to spend my life with.  A couple of times it didn’t work out and I even started to question religion again at those moments.  I started going back to the same church and I got a little sidetracked with them again.  At one point I was willing to walk away from my desires, but I just didn’t see myself being happy if I were to go down that road.  So I “got on my soapbox” and told as many Christians I could that I am gay and that I believe there is nothing wrong with it.  I even brought a boyfriend to the Young Adults Christmas Banquet that year.  I got some weird looks, but I was in love and the looks I got didn’t bother me that much.

I’ve told most of this part of the story before in past blogs, so I’ll just say that my courage eventually cause a spark for rights in different churches.  I was part of two different religious groups for gender and sexual diverse people eventually and again stopped going to that church.  I got involved in the Anglican Church for a short while, however by this point I was questioning Christianity altogether.  What I had experienced in the church for the most part was not very loving.  There was always conditions of this “love” they shared and it was not the kind of love I recognized for even family and friends.  The kind of love people go above and beyond for.  The kind of love that I show my husband.

My relationship with my husband is the most pure form of love that I have ever shared with someone.  I’ve never loved someone as much as I love him.  I’ve found that person in my life who wants me as much as I want him.  How could this love we share be something as evil or unnatural as so many people claim?  If it’s the sexual act that you’re against, well I’m not going to go up to you and say what you should or shouldn’t do in your bedroom… in other words this “sin” you claim I’m committing is simply not your business.

Make it your business the love we are experiencing from our relationship, not things that do not concern you.  You’re entitled to your opinions that this isn’t a real marriage, but you cannot deny that this is a real relationship and that we are helping each other tremendously in our lives.  We will always do so.  We’ve found each other and the sooner you accept that we are a huge part of each other’s lives, the sooner that we’d be more willing to visit with you and hear your thoughts.  Be respectful and loving, not fearful and indifferent.  From those who know us, if you are to show us love and respect, we will show the same to you.  Let’s honor our rights on this earth by being more civil and loving…  I swear I’m not the Devil.  I am a loving person who has good intentions and a very caring nature.  How could you have such an issue with me?

I Still Am a Man of Faith

Let me clarify something that I'm sure many of my friends and family have been wondering.  Yes, i walk a path that is somewhat taboo in Christianity.  I practice witchcraft, I cast the odd spell, I use Ouija boards, I call the corners and I believe that our universe has ancient powers that the divine has produced for us.  I would not call myself a Christian even though I've had so much social success in my past with the Christian community.  I've definitely done what I needed to do in the church and since have been remaining truer to myself and digging into my mind on what spirituality really means to me.

Why am I not a Christian?  It's not as if I completely shut the door on the Christian faith.  I just have so many doubts about Christianity after what I have been through with the church and what I've learned about religious history.  When I look to how the church operates, I haven't seen much spirituality rather than a political movement which is not spiritually led but only based on what is socially acceptable within their groups of minsiters.

What about what Jesus has done for me in my life?  I'm unsure if this is Jesus or something more ancient than the Jesus story.  Spirituality didn't start with Christianity thus I cannot be certain that the Christian god is the all knowing source in which I've been so blessed in my life.  But I'm not narrow minded.  I will participate in Christian services if someone wants me to be there with them.

I have more faith in the ancient religions like paganism and although Wicca isn't as old as Christianity, it still strikes the ancient spiritual notes in my heart which is a pagan path.  Maybe I'm an old soul or maybe it's just my personality but ever since I walked this path, I've been much truer to myself and things are finally falling into place for me.

I am a man of faith.  I have faith that Christianity can bring goodness and blessings into your life if that is the path for you.  Just like I have faith in my walk.  My walk isn't always perfect just like how the church isn't always perfect.  But we all want to find the answers within ourselves and if Christianity does that for you then so be it.  But I no longer seek the spiritual answers I used to in that path... it's simply not enough for me.  I do however ponder certain logic in the Christian community.

I have faith in a walk that has brought me into a deeper understanding of myself which I'm sure Christianity does for others.  let's just agree to disagree on certain theologies and simply love each other.  The only things I won't put up with are arrogant comments against the path i walk, because that is not love but only fear of something you do not understand.

How He Fits So Perfectly into My Life

In the past I’ve had my share of short term boyfriends and even one night stands but at some point I had a strong desire to better my life by preserving my dignity.  I eventually stopped taking boys home after those crazy nights in the bars and finally decided to give my life to love.  There was a fellow that I dated for about a year who I gave a lot of my love to and who was there for me in support whenever he could be.  But his desire for love was a little bit different than mine.  He didn’t seem to want to commit on the level that I did.  I wanted us to move in together while he preferred to maintain a life of being content with love he shared for individuals and staying attached to past lovers.  There was no room for growth in a relationship with him.

After we parted ways, I became even more motivated for the “church life” as an outspoken gay advocate while attending religious support groups for the “queer” community.  I was in the news for a protest against the message of celibacy as being the only option for gay Christians and there was interest of me becoming some sort of minister in the Anglican Church.  But my subconscious self was crying for self-love and discovery of my inner-self.  I’d soon realize that the only reason why I desired the Christian life so much was because of the respect I got from others whereas I struggled to truly believe in the story of Jesus.   Whereas the leaders of churches whom I desired respect from usually were not worthy of my very own respect.  I would “choose to believe” although, my doubts became rather strong and I was entering a period of my life where I would reevaluate my place in this world and the spirituality within myself which I had been repressing since I was a child.

As I unlocked memories from my childhood I came to the ultimate realization that I was born to be different.  I was born to be on a spiritual path that although some frown upon it, brings out my spiritual gifts in the purest form and my mind to ease as my mind will never ache of my struggles to understand “morality”.  My Life is about allowing myself to do the things I want to do while harming none, the belief in a spiritual magic that comes from within which helps all of my dreams come into place as I stay true to myself and the universe.  Yes, I am the Witch that lives my life in the light while I do not shame myself on my flaws and find beauty in myself as a whole.  It wasn’t until I really understood how to love myself that I found a loving relationship in the purest form with my future Husband to be, Josh.

While I remained rather celibate after a short relationship, I had this app on my phone with guys who wanted nothing more than hookups.  Through all of the temping promiscuity of this dating app, I went on a date with a younger fellow who was lost in a life where he had been abused and used spiritually and in relationships.  He lived with a Catholic family who frowned upon being gay and the only person he really loved cheated on him with many.  He has no beliefs regarding religion and in our relationship, it simply does not matter.

There we sat in “Tim Hortons” and while I first saw him with these “lost eyes”, I saw them come alive with hope, excitement, happiness and even love at first sight.  We shared our life stories and really listened to each other.  We laughed and shared hardships and to this day we still do.

We moved in together after a half a year and just before the Winter Solstice, we announced that we are getting married.  The happiness and love filled within our home is unbreakable and the only nightmares we have are the ones where we lose each other.  We always tell each other “I never want to lose you” or “you’re my forever”.

He’s told me “I’m not even sure that I’d still be here if you hadn’t come into my life,” as he felt no love in his past, very few exceptions.  He was so lost that not even religion or faith could save him.  I’m there beside him every night, sometimes just holding his hand telling him how much I truly love him.

He’s what I always wanted.  I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me because I was so different.  Not just that I’m gay, but spiritually as well.  Other kids saw me as different and a loner and bullied me because of my unique ways that I expressed myself.  I grew up with girls in my home and what I really wanted was a boy to be close to because I simply didn’t have very many guys to be close to in my life.  The few I did, never wanted to be as close to me as I wanted to with them.  I happened to be sexually attracted to them, but they never had those feelings for me.  But as you can see, things usually don’t fall into place unless you truly rejoice and embrace every single part of your living soul.

My New Faith and Subconscious Spell Casting

We live in a world where whenever you do something or act in a certain way, you are always judged on whether or not people will support you.  We all have done it and continue to do it.  From the church member who hears someone swearing and doesn't want to be associated with them, to the "down to earth" fellow who despises a person for seeming too "holier than thou".  We all let disagreements of how we should behave base how involved we should be around each other.  Even when we know that the truest way to love is to support them even when you don't agree with someone.

The problem is that somewhere along our walks in life we've developed certain sensitivities to certain ways of life or subjects that people feel so strongly about.  I in fact find myself experiencing great discomfort when even entertaining the idea of walking through the doors of churches where I've felt mistreated.  I always assume that if I did so, that I would meet the same kind of people who hurt me in the past and that my intolerance for such behaviors would then pressure me to make others feel uncomfortable or hurt,  And what would be the point now that I no longer support the story of Jesus as a reality in my life?

When I was younger, I had so much hope for reconciling with everyone in my life.  Although people saw through me as just another Christian trying to do good things for the sake of being a "good Christian".  Whereas inside I was blocking out my true emotions and when I had accepted this issue, all of my hurts came out like a storm.  My comments of insecurity hitting people like a lightning bolt with the aftermath of our arguments which were like the thunder of these horrendous storms.  What was the point in arguing when they never were willing to understand me in the first place?

The only answer was to begin acting like myself and not a product of Christianity.  In doing so, finding my true spiritual path where I learned to balance my emotions rather than trying to be this supporter of all when all I was doing was pretending to care for people who I had very little interest in.  Things seem to be getting better with all of the magic in my life where the big desires simply fall into place.  Like casting a spell without saying anything because I had put so much energy into my dreams already.

My favorite "happily ever after" dream coming true on October 3rd and it feels as though the stars in the sky have reached down to guide me.  Where there's darkness in my life, I know that the stars will shine and soon after the sun will rise where a new path will begin.  And as I walk down this bright path, I know that the darkness will come again but I trust in the stars to guide me and thank the Gods for making it all possible.

Where the Christian faith has vanished in my life, a deeper faith has unraveled and I feel the best I've every felt.

Blessed be.

A Church's Response to My Blog

Recently I was asked to attend a Church service in regards to my experience with Circle Drive Alliance Church.  I will be giving insight on what it means to be welcoming as a congregation.