In the past I’ve had my share of short term boyfriends and
even one night stands but at some point I had a strong desire to better my life by preserving my
dignity. I eventually stopped taking
boys home after those crazy nights in the bars and finally decided to give my
life to love. There was a fellow that I dated
for about a year who I gave a lot of my love to and who was there for me in
support whenever he could be. But his
desire for love was a little bit different than mine. He didn’t seem to want to commit on the level
that I did. I wanted us to move in
together while he preferred to maintain a life of being content with love he
shared for individuals and staying attached to past lovers. There was no room for growth in a
relationship with him.
After we parted ways, I became even more motivated for the “church
life” as an outspoken gay advocate while attending religious support groups for
the “queer” community. I was in the news
for a protest against the message of celibacy as being the only option for gay
Christians and there was interest of me becoming some sort of minister in the
Anglican Church. But my subconscious
self was crying for self-love and discovery of my inner-self. I’d soon realize that the only reason why I desired
the Christian life so much was because of the respect I got from others whereas
I struggled to truly believe in the story of Jesus. Whereas the leaders of churches whom I desired
respect from usually were not worthy of my very own respect. I would “choose to believe” although, my
doubts became rather strong and I was entering a period of my life where I
would reevaluate my place in this world and the spirituality within myself
which I had been repressing since I was a child.
As I unlocked memories from my childhood I came to the
ultimate realization that I was born to be different. I was born to be on a spiritual path that
although some frown upon it, brings out my spiritual gifts in the purest form
and my mind to ease as my mind will never ache of my struggles to understand “morality”. My Life is about allowing myself to do the
things I want to do while harming none, the belief in a spiritual magic that
comes from within which helps all of my dreams come into place as I stay true
to myself and the universe. Yes, I am
the Witch that lives my life in the light while I do not shame myself on my
flaws and find beauty in myself as a whole.
It wasn’t until I really understood how to love myself that I found a loving
relationship in the purest form with my future Husband to be, Josh.
While I remained rather celibate after a short relationship,
I had this app on my phone with guys who wanted nothing more than hookups. Through all of the temping promiscuity of
this dating app, I went on a date with a younger fellow who was lost in a life
where he had been abused and used spiritually and in relationships. He lived with a Catholic family who frowned
upon being gay and the only person he really loved cheated on him with many. He has no beliefs regarding religion and in
our relationship, it simply does not matter.
There we sat in “Tim Hortons” and while I first saw him with
these “lost eyes”, I saw them come alive with hope, excitement, happiness and
even love at first sight. We shared our
life stories and really listened to each other. We laughed and shared hardships and to this
day we still do.
We moved in together after a half a year and just before the
Winter Solstice, we announced that we are getting married. The happiness and love filled within our home
is unbreakable and the only nightmares we have are the ones where we lose each other. We always tell each other “I never want to
lose you” or “you’re my forever”.
He’s told me “I’m not even sure that I’d still be here if
you hadn’t come into my life,” as he felt no love in his past, very few
exceptions. He was so lost that not even
religion or faith could save him. I’m
there beside him every night, sometimes just holding his hand telling him how
much I truly love him.
He’s what I always wanted.
I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me because I was so
different. Not just that I’m gay, but
spiritually as well. Other kids saw me
as different and a loner and bullied me because of my unique ways that I
expressed myself. I grew up with girls
in my home and what I really wanted was a boy to be close to because I simply
didn’t have very many guys to be close to in my life. The few I did, never wanted to be as close to
me as I wanted to with them. I happened
to be sexually attracted to them, but they never had those feelings for me. But as you can see, things usually don’t fall
into place unless you truly rejoice and embrace every single part of your
living soul.
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