Monday, 8 June 2015

How He Fits So Perfectly into My Life

In the past I’ve had my share of short term boyfriends and even one night stands but at some point I had a strong desire to better my life by preserving my dignity.  I eventually stopped taking boys home after those crazy nights in the bars and finally decided to give my life to love.  There was a fellow that I dated for about a year who I gave a lot of my love to and who was there for me in support whenever he could be.  But his desire for love was a little bit different than mine.  He didn’t seem to want to commit on the level that I did.  I wanted us to move in together while he preferred to maintain a life of being content with love he shared for individuals and staying attached to past lovers.  There was no room for growth in a relationship with him.

After we parted ways, I became even more motivated for the “church life” as an outspoken gay advocate while attending religious support groups for the “queer” community.  I was in the news for a protest against the message of celibacy as being the only option for gay Christians and there was interest of me becoming some sort of minister in the Anglican Church.  But my subconscious self was crying for self-love and discovery of my inner-self.  I’d soon realize that the only reason why I desired the Christian life so much was because of the respect I got from others whereas I struggled to truly believe in the story of Jesus.   Whereas the leaders of churches whom I desired respect from usually were not worthy of my very own respect.  I would “choose to believe” although, my doubts became rather strong and I was entering a period of my life where I would reevaluate my place in this world and the spirituality within myself which I had been repressing since I was a child.

As I unlocked memories from my childhood I came to the ultimate realization that I was born to be different.  I was born to be on a spiritual path that although some frown upon it, brings out my spiritual gifts in the purest form and my mind to ease as my mind will never ache of my struggles to understand “morality”.  My Life is about allowing myself to do the things I want to do while harming none, the belief in a spiritual magic that comes from within which helps all of my dreams come into place as I stay true to myself and the universe.  Yes, I am the Witch that lives my life in the light while I do not shame myself on my flaws and find beauty in myself as a whole.  It wasn’t until I really understood how to love myself that I found a loving relationship in the purest form with my future Husband to be, Josh.

While I remained rather celibate after a short relationship, I had this app on my phone with guys who wanted nothing more than hookups.  Through all of the temping promiscuity of this dating app, I went on a date with a younger fellow who was lost in a life where he had been abused and used spiritually and in relationships.  He lived with a Catholic family who frowned upon being gay and the only person he really loved cheated on him with many.  He has no beliefs regarding religion and in our relationship, it simply does not matter.

There we sat in “Tim Hortons” and while I first saw him with these “lost eyes”, I saw them come alive with hope, excitement, happiness and even love at first sight.  We shared our life stories and really listened to each other.  We laughed and shared hardships and to this day we still do.

We moved in together after a half a year and just before the Winter Solstice, we announced that we are getting married.  The happiness and love filled within our home is unbreakable and the only nightmares we have are the ones where we lose each other.  We always tell each other “I never want to lose you” or “you’re my forever”.

He’s told me “I’m not even sure that I’d still be here if you hadn’t come into my life,” as he felt no love in his past, very few exceptions.  He was so lost that not even religion or faith could save him.  I’m there beside him every night, sometimes just holding his hand telling him how much I truly love him.

He’s what I always wanted.  I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me because I was so different.  Not just that I’m gay, but spiritually as well.  Other kids saw me as different and a loner and bullied me because of my unique ways that I expressed myself.  I grew up with girls in my home and what I really wanted was a boy to be close to because I simply didn’t have very many guys to be close to in my life.  The few I did, never wanted to be as close to me as I wanted to with them.  I happened to be sexually attracted to them, but they never had those feelings for me.  But as you can see, things usually don’t fall into place unless you truly rejoice and embrace every single part of your living soul.

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