When I think of my recent wedding and the stress that came
shortly before it, there was nothing more stressful than dealing with my
husband’s religious family members.
However, it’s not like I don’t understand where they are coming
from. I once believed that God wouldn’t
be happy with me if I embraced my inner desires. I also tried convincing myself that these
were just feeling of lust and likely not something that contributes to the love
of God.
In high school, I was proud to be a Roman Catholic and
practiced a mostly chaste lifestyle. I
wanted to please God in every way that I could, however my “weakness” like most
other teenage boys was masturbation. Any
time I had strong sexual feelings for another boy, I shamed myself then even
further shamed myself for what I did in private. However that’s not a habit that’s easy to
stop as a teenage boy with all of those hormones going crazy. Otherwise, I was all about saving myself for
a wife. I wondered if once I had a wife,
that maybe these desires would be tamed or even go away. Go ahead and laugh. ;)
In almost every other way, I would say I was the typical
good role model as a Catholic boy with the exception of my dirty sense of
humor I enjoyed sharing with classmates.
My social life wasn’t the greatest because of how much I brought up the
religion subject but I was close to God and to me that was way more important.
My childhood best friend introduced me to churches other
than Roman Catholic ones too. He was
more into the charismatic evangelical churches and although I proud to be a
Catholic, I enjoyed meeting new friends in these other churches and also
enjoyed the way they worshipped a lot more.
I actually enjoyed going to church when I went with these friends,
whereas when I went with my family to Catholic Church, I didn’t feel welcome by
the regular church goers.
I made a decision shortly after high school. I felt as if
God was liberating my soul in a way. I
wanted to be more open to these other churches.
We all worshiped the same Jesus and as a Catholic boy I was taught by
teachers that the bible isn’t completely accurate and the catechism has been
changed on some past issues in the first place.
So how can I be so sure that the other denominations were all wrong?
There was a boy I went to meet whom I had been chatting with
on “Myspace” and we went to go see a movie.
I gave into my desires with him that evening and I just remember on the
bus ride home how ashamed I felt. I then
said to myself, that I would never do that again. I told him when I got home on my computer
that I didn’t want to see him again.
Eventually I made my regular church an Alliance one. I liked that they wanted me to get involved
and looked at me with a lot of respect. They
even let me wear my baseball cap to church!
I was like “I never have to do my hair for church here! Awesome!”
I took chastity even more seriously and even had many church
member pray for me about the “sin” I did in private. I was addicted to porn by this point,
although I didn’t share the kind of porn that I was watching to my friends.
Eventually I was a leader for the youth in the church and
through a retreat I met a girl who seemed as silly and goofy as me. We got along great I showed her so much
respect in our relationship, except what I was still doing in private. The prayers and the suppression were not
helping and now there were even male friends in the church who I was having
these desires for.
My girlfriend dumped me because she could tell I wasn't interested in her like other couples show each other. I had a friend who got into the wrong crowd
shortly after the breakup who I was very attracted to, and I struggled with
those feelings for him. Being a believer
that this was not right, I didn’t act on these feelings. When he met these new friends, he didn’t come
to see me much anymore and the hurt I experienced from that showed me that I
loved him much more than a friend. I
missed the way he would hug me, the way he told me he loved me and that I was
his best friend.
I still struggled for quite some time. But it got to the point where my old
friends felt that I was becoming too religious and I missed them. I started to reevaluate what I was doing to
myself and the friends that had been there for me since before all of this
happened. I’ve had best friends before,
and finally realized that whenever I called someone my best friend, I truly loved
them as something more. The thing I most
wanted was a male best friend who wanted me as much as I wanted him which I had
yet to find. The hurt and pain that I experienced
from the friend who stopped seeing me was far too intense to ignore. I was aware that I needed someone special in
my life. I stopped going to church and
recognized that there were some things that I needed to figure out with the
people in my life who want me in their lives just because they loved me and not
because I shared similar beliefs as them or went to the same church as them.
As I got older, I realized how much more I needed a
companion in my life in so many ways. I never
have done well all by myself. I lived by
myself for around 5 years in an apartment and those were some of the darkest
times of my life. I was suicidal at one
point and although I was embracing my sexuality by this point, I would get “cold
feet’ a lot due to the echoes of the church.
I started to realize that nothing in my life would work unless I gave
myself over to love and became more trusting to other people in my
situation. I started to date more
seriously and seeking someone to spend my life with. A couple of times it didn’t work out and I even
started to question religion again at those moments. I started going back to the same church and I
got a little sidetracked with them again.
At one point I was willing to walk away from my desires, but I just didn’t
see myself being happy if I were to go down that road. So I “got on my soapbox” and told as many
Christians I could that I am gay and that I believe there is nothing wrong with
it. I even brought a boyfriend to the
Young Adults Christmas Banquet that year.
I got some weird looks, but I was in love and the looks I got didn’t
bother me that much.
I’ve told most of this part of the story before in past
blogs, so I’ll just say that my courage eventually cause a spark for rights in
different churches. I was part of two
different religious groups for gender and sexual diverse people eventually and
again stopped going to that church. I got
involved in the Anglican Church for a short while, however by this point I was
questioning Christianity altogether.
What I had experienced in the church for the most part was not very
loving. There was always conditions of
this “love” they shared and it was not the kind of love I recognized for even family
and friends. The kind of love people go
above and beyond for. The kind of love
that I show my husband.
My relationship with my husband is the most pure form of
love that I have ever shared with someone.
I’ve never loved someone as much as I love him. I’ve found that person in my life who wants
me as much as I want him. How could this
love we share be something as evil or unnatural as so many people claim? If it’s the sexual act that you’re against,
well I’m not going to go up to you and say what you should or shouldn’t do in
your bedroom… in other words this “sin” you claim I’m committing is simply not
your business.
Make it your business the love we are experiencing from our
relationship, not things that do not concern you. You’re entitled to your opinions that this
isn’t a real marriage, but you cannot deny that this is a real relationship and
that we are helping each other tremendously in our lives. We will always do so. We’ve found each other and the sooner you
accept that we are a huge part of each other’s lives, the sooner that we’d be
more willing to visit with you and hear your thoughts. Be respectful and loving, not fearful and
indifferent. From those who know us, if
you are to show us love and respect, we will show the same to you. Let’s honor our rights on this earth by being
more civil and loving… I swear I’m not
the Devil. I am a loving person who has
good intentions and a very caring nature.
How could you have such an issue with me?
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