All through my life I have had crushes and want to be made feel special by a guy who would never leave me. Although I have never found a guy like that in a physical nature, there has always been one guy who always stayed with me and whom does make me feel special. God. My relationship with him has had it's struggles but we have always seemed to come back to each other.
When other gay guys see that I am a Christian and how strong my faith is, many of them automatically choose to judge me and they don't want anything to do with me. It reminds me of the Christian community in some ways. If I am not up to par with what they believe, then I am seen as degraded. Since I don't care how they see me in a way where nothing could change my mind, they judge me even further.
It saddens me to see that there are so many other gay guys who see me in such a way and it makes it more difficult to find someone besides God to make me feel special and never leave. Someone who I can fulfill my longings with. Someone who will love me for me and not hate on me just because I have certain beliefs. Most importantly I long for a guy who understands me and is willing to understand me regardless of any religious beliefs I may have. I don't feel that these are tall orders but just guidelines to maintain a healthy relationship.
I've been on many dates and still have not found the second thing in my life that I am truly passionate about, the first is God. I don't do well when I am alone as you may have read from a previous blog about my sex addiction. I would really love to have someone to come home to and cuddle with. Someone who would ask me how my day was and really listen but it seems to be a really hard thing to find in my position on this earth.
I'm a friend to many and I scream positiveness. I'm one of the good guys but I fall short on the scale a lot when people see my religiousness. I'm sure many Christians judge me as disconnected from Christ, but as you can see I usually am disconnected from expressing love intimately with another guy. My beliefs are what holds me back in life a lot but I'm not about to give up on them since they're the only things that has keep a good head on my shoulders.
You don't have to be a Christian to be my boyfriend, in fact my last boyfriend was agnostic and we stayed together for nearly a year. We respected each other's beliefs and never looked down at each other when we talked about our beliefs. Because it seemed to be more important to us to stay positive and be there for each other.
I live in hope and prayer that God will send me that guy I've been waiting for all of my life. I wont give up and will continue to go on dates, hoping that someone sticks. I'm sure many would agree that I deserve to be happy, so next time think twice before treating a Christian gay like garbage. He just might be your Angel. ;)
I always love your sincerity and your writing. Rose and I have both experienced what you say in different ways. Rose found her dream man, her first husband, who gave her two wonderful children but a nasty life. My first wife and I sort of drifted into our first marriage without ensuring we were compatible and that destroyed us, but also gave us two wonderful children. Second time round Rose and I did it right, we took our time to feel comfortable together while going out with others, until we fell in love and in bed. We have found that person who is there for us and have been immensely happy ever since for 25 years. Will it continue? We hope so, but who knows the future? Hang in there my friend. Life is a curious mixture of taking risks and honouring convictions, and a mixture of ups and downs. As author Mark Nepo's book title says: "The Book of Awakening: Having The Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have." May yours be full of patience, love, and happiness.
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