Friday, 15 November 2013

Reconciling My Grudge Against Women

When I was ten years old, my Father left home because my parents separated.  I remember looking out the window of my mother's car on the way to my grandparents' condo and quietly crying after he left.  I tried to hold back the tears as much as I could but I couldn't stop.  My older sister said "Ryan, I know that you're crying."  I knew there was no hiding it.  "I know," I told her.  I normally don't like to mention family issues to the public, so I'll try my best to keep it brief without too many details.

Shortly after my parents separated my father started seeing another woman which I saw as a threat.  I hated her for causing my father to see me less and there was a lot of turmoil between us, especially when they moved in together.  I saw less of him as I grew into my teen years because there were lots of emotions flying around with our family.  Eventually my father remarried which I was not happy with.  I remember making fun of my stepmother during the reception with my best friend.  I was immature and wanted to put all of the blame on my stepmother.  Today everything that happened back then is "water under the bridge" and I have found a more civil relationship with my father and stepmother.

What happened back then seems to have formed a grudge in my heart against women who become closer to a male friend of mine that has become dear to my heart.  I have always valued male bonding time a lot, especially because I didn't get to have much of it during my early childhood.  Things really started acting up when I started falling in love with male friends who started dating girls.  But there was a difference between what happened between my stepmother and I and my crushes' girlfriends.  I found it necessary to be nice to them in order to spend more time with these crushes of mine.  I would think of ways of how to get closer to my friends than their girlfriends.  But of course some of these guys were quite heterosexual.

I fell in love with a lot of straight guys because that was all I seemed to like at the time.  Maybe it had to do with wanting to take a guy away from a woman rather than a woman taking a guy away from me, like with my stepmother.  I do sometimes fantasize about having a masculine and attractive boyfriend to flaunt around and be like "In your face girls!  He's mine!" ;)  Probably not one of my healthiest reasons to want a man but I'm not afraid to admit it.

Recently, I realized that my grudge is still there at times.  My friend, who will remain nameless, was sharing his relationship issues with me and after realizing how controlling his girlfriend is trying to be over him, I started to get very irritated.  He started telling me about people she wouldn't let him see and he was quite upset by this.  Then he brought up that she didn't like me and that if I were to ever come over to his place, then she should know so that she isn't there.  I looked at him with disgust in my eyes and said "what a cunt!"  No, I don't have a crush on this friend of mine, but he is a close friend who is dear to my heart.

This grudge is still here sometimes, but today I realize that I am able to call a lot of friends' girlfriends my friends.  My best friend, the one who I had a crush one and we made fun of my stepmother together as immature boys.  I'm totally cool with his fiance and they both are really excited about me being the best man at their wedding.  I'm actually quite close with his fiance and we have a blast together.  No grudge there whatsoever and I am striving to make things better between those women I may have harsh words for.

It just seems to be when a woman tries to mess with a bond that I have with a guy that I might get agitated with a little more fury due to my past experiences.  I now realize that I could have handled things better when my friend was sharing with me, but I guess it's just something to remember for next time.

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