Thursday, 12 June 2014

When I Imagine Myself with a Woman

Every once in a while, I remember when I was a child watching the film "Look Who's Talking Now" with Kirstey Alley and John Travolta.  The one with the talking dogs...  There's a scene near the end of the film when the father is coming home to his family for Christmas after some troubles getting home.  The mother gets all emotional when she see's her husband and I remember when I was watching this, for some reason I thought to myself that I wanted a wife and a family one day.  I was about 10 and was afraid of my attractions towards other boys.  But for some reason, this film gave me this feeling on how nice it would be to have a wife and kids.  At the time, I felt certain that that's what I wanted.

Today the thought of being with a woman is certainly unpleasant.  It doesn't do much for me physically and of course I just don't have that connection with women that most guys have.  There were times when I would toy with the idea in my mind, but the fantasy of having a wife has died as I got older and figured myself out.  There are callings in each of us that our souls that we cannot deny.

Sometimes I toy with the idea in my head, being married to a woman and having kids and the white picket fence... It's just sooo not me ;) I imagine if I were in such a situation, where I lied to myself for too many years, that it would end in disaster.  I imagine that I would be falling in love with all of my new best friends and there would be this hole in my life I'd be wanting to fill but never being able to.  No pun intended. ;)

I had a girlfriend once... I even thought about marrying her and it wasn't even me who broke up with her.  She dumped me... maybe it was destiny... I mean look at all that I have done for the community for gay rights and understanding.  All of the people that I help be comfortable with what they feel inside and showing them that it's perfectly healthy for them to be going towards their happily ever after... Maybe not all of us get there, but I personally would rather not going crazy inside with a dream that would never have a chance to be fulfilled.

Some would say, just change your dreams.  Well yea, people's dreams do change at times because we become wiser through every experience that we have.  But the thing that always worked for me, is being true to myself and being good to all those who come across me.  I try my best. ;) I've been blessed with all of the good things that I've experienced in my life; a family who supports and loves me, a loving boyfriend who finds me irresistible, a sustainable job and all those wonderful people who follow me with a glimmer of hope in their eyes.

My childhood dream wasn't really for me, while some people might argue that it should have been.  Well I also wanted to be a police officer but do not have the physical capabilities to do so.  Our childhood dreams evolve and it's perfectly fine.  It just shows growth as a person and love for myself.  I may not be completely sold on a religion, but I am still seeking for "Truth" in myself, in those all around me and possibly the divine.

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