Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Why Did I "Walk Away From Jesus"?

Who are we to tell another what is right and wrong in their lives? If they are happy and not doing any harm to themselves or others around them, then I don't think that we should point fingers at them. "Oh, but God says what they are doing is wrong," the religious tell us. How sure are you? Are any of us sure about what we're doing here on this earth? Life is hard enough at times and what we should be really focused on as humans is being there for people regardless of what kind of "walk of life" we are walking.

On the day I posted my final blog on Circle Drive Alliance Church, I went for coffee with one of the only guys who still visits with me from CDAC. He's a very loving friend of mine and although we don't see eye to eye on the bible and homosexuality, he's always there if he's free and I need him.

On this particular visit we voiced our opinions and I went back into the Christian psyche in order to level with him. I imagine he had a lot on the mind about the blogs I wrote recently which is fine and I have no hard feelings about the discussion we had. He's the kind of Christian who believes in the "born again" method of Christianity and that when you read the bible, God speaks to you through it. 

My point was that the bible is inaccurate and that we cannot base scripture at face value on "Truth".

We both made our points and at the end of our bible discussion, we were in his truck awhile I was a bit upset about hearing those homophobic echoes of the church. I told him "this is exactly one reason why I have no desire for Christianity anymore. Because of shitty arguments like these." I just can't mentally handle this anti-gay conservative war on my civil rights and position in the church anymore. It also strikes a huge note in my heart every time I hear those echoes and this hurt on my shoulders that I am trying to heal really gets to me.

My friend somewhat agreed and while all of these feelings were stirring up inside me, I broke down and cried. I remembered how happy I used to be when I was a youth leader, before I "came out" and hadn't struggled with the church on such a big level. I told him "I needed to tell people about my sexuality because I was going crazy inside with such a huge secret...' I can't help how I feel inside and I am who I am. Unfortunately my so-called "lifestyle" is a controversial one and too many people argue if it's sinful.

I told my friend, "Every time someone tells me that homosexuality is sinful, it hurts me." I told him about my broken home, my father leaving when I desired a male-bonding relationship and how it shaped me into this bold gay guy that I am today. No, it didn't shape my sexuality and it's not only that I'm attracted to guys. That's not the only reason why I agreed to speak out. It's a little more sentimental for me and I can't help but feel the need to stand up for my dream of growing old with a man because I missed out on a lot of male bonding time as a child. I was a loner and after my parents broke up, I was living with only girls. It's not why I'm attracted to males, however it's why I am so bold on this topic.

My friend was thankful for me sharing with him and he prayed for me. I know he cares but the discussion we had only led to me playing with old doubts in my head for the next couple of days... Wondering if I was wrong living the life I am living. It also brought out all of these emotions in me which eventually were too hard to keep inside.

A couple weeks ago, my boyfriend was working late and I was at home pondering all of these thoughts and remembering how my faith in Christianity used to be. From when I was just a child who fell in love with the Jesus story... becoming involved with CDAC... taking religion more seriously due to communal influence... neglecting my loved ones for not embracing CDAC like I did... leaving the church... "coming out"... dabbling with spells... suicidal tendencies... returning to church... showing others that being gay isn't sinful... suffering from CDAC's agenda... involvement on queer-positive religious groups... speaking out against religious homophobia in the media... considering going to bible college in the Anglican church... attending an Anglican congregation which was queer-positive... then finally stopping to process it all...

My mother phoned me and asked me how I was doing.. Mother's intuition kicked in as I told her "I'm doing okay," and she could tell I had a lot on my mind.  I started crying as she questioned me about what was wrong and she immediately came over.  I told her, "Mom, the church really fucked me up..." I let it all out, the visit with my friend, why all of these emotions still remained inside me.  About how hopeful I felt about Christianity when I was younger and being part of the church played a huge role in why I have no interest in organized religion anymore.

When I had told her all that I had been going through after this visit with my friend, how it stirred up all of these emotions, she told me that all of this pondering about spirituality and God is something she had pondered a lot.  She take comfort that she feels that she has a purpose on this earth and that she has such a wonderful son.  I wondered if I should remain in the LGBT religious groups I had played a huge part in with the mental state I was in but about a week later my Integrity Saskatoon secretary got in contact with me.

He talked about some of his beliefs and shared a little bit about his life and how he too doesn't agree with many things about the church and even Christianity.  He's a free thinker like I am.  He told me that a lot of these hurts from people don't always completely go away and I could see that.  These issues I have with church friends probably wont go away when we are on different pages about something that hits so close to home for me.  I decided to continue with the religious groups because I think there is still need for people to hear my story in religious settings.

Since about a week had passed from the visit with my mom, I had received a lot of clarity about all that happened.  I feel a healing run through me which I believe the divine has a big part in.  I am who I am and I believe what I believe.  Just because I walked away from Christianity, doesn't mean that I'm lost or struggling with my faith.  The fact that I am always questioning myself and my beliefs shows that I have a tremendous amount of faith that no one can take away from me.

I am blessed with all of these people in my life who love me and do not wish any unhappiness for me.  Especially my amazing lover and soul-mate Josh, the love I always wanted in a relationship that's truly unbreakable.

I'm still processing all that I've been through but one thing that's for sure is that I will not assume that I know better than someone about what they are doing with their life. Especially when they are not harming themselves or those around them. I believe that positive life journeys are simply based on what you have experienced and how to do the best with all that you have and all that you are. Staying in touch with your inner-self and staying true to that magical, positive energy within yourself that makes you who you are. It's about how you handle life struggles and life achievements. Never being too insecure or too ungrateful. All of which are Wiccan ethics. I believe in "God" and I never walked away from the divine. I just have a different idea about how to handle the mystery behind it all.

I am embracing my love for "The Craft" and the beautiful spirit guides who guide me to the divine.  It's something I've always felt a connection to and I have embraced it upon this journey I continue to walk on.  I do not judge those who believe in the Christian faith and I have no problem with them as long as they're not trying to enforce harmful beliefs onto others.  I am still offering my love to those who are hurt and in turmoil with their congregations and will continue to share my story because there are so many people that need piece of mind when people question their beliefs.  I will not question, I will only listen and share some of the events that take place in my life.

Anytime, just look me up and find me.  I see it as my calling to help.

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