As I have been becoming a well respected person in the Saskatoon community, I have been trying to find a way to let people know that I don't think that I am a superior person in regards to faith. I have my own battles that I deal with and I would like to share one of those with you. The darkest part of my heart is the pure lust I have shared and used to take advantage of others over the years. Although I am telling you this as I am a far less promiscuous person than I have been and probably wouldn't have shared this a year ago. I want you all to know that I am far from being even close to complete righteousness. I must also warn you that this blog is not intended for children's eyes because of the sexual themes that lie within.
When I was a child, I feared that my parents would find out what I would do with the other neighborhood boys. I remember multiple times when I would ask my friends to expose themselves to me starting when I was around the age of 10. When they showed me, it excited me and I was realizing these special feelings I had for other boys in my body, mind and soul. It would start with some male bonding and once we trusted each other enough I would ask. I lusted after the other boys, my heart would beat rapidly and I felt sensational pleasure. I was never caught as I payed close attention to the foot steps above my basement.
Being gay wasn't really heard of at my age and it was before people started insulting people by saying "that's gay". I was mostly sheltered from a lot of gay hate speech like "fag" and didn't hear the word until boys started saying it at school. "What's a fag?" I most likely asked a classmate. "Oh, that's a boy who likes seeing boys naked." I remember thinking of it as a perversion since my fellow classmates would use it as an insult. No body wanted to be that different or be called a "pervert".
I would never dare to ask a classmate to expose themselves to me because I realized I would be called a "fag" or looked at as perverted. So I would explore the normal sexuality with the other boys. We found magazines in parks of lingerie models and the occasional pornographic magazine. Most of the other boys were interested but there were the few that said "that's gross". I wondered if the boys who thought it was gross, were like me but I would be too afraid to ask and I would try to appear interested in the female models.
As I grew closer to my teen years, I became interested in girlfriends... but not in the way most boys did. I wanted a girlfriend mostly because every other boy did and it seemed to make boys feel better than others. I wanted to be better than my classmates but often failed at the attempt. Girls could recognize that I was different than most boys. Although some girls may have been curious to be be my girlfriend, they seemed to want what the other girls wanted, one of the normal boys.
I felt like I was a loser and that nobody liked me. I felt like this passion I had for the other boys burned within me so much that I was left to act out in personal ways. I wrote journals about the boys I liked, I'd watch other boys on movies and tv shows and hope someone would show some skin and finally I would touch myself even though I was not completely sure how to masturbate at first. The first time I did it, was with a friends hand sleeping next to me and it was extremely messy needless to say. I grabbed lots of toilet paper and cleaned up the mess but after a while tried it again. I was very thankful my friend didn't wake up. I was still a preteen.
I masturbated LOTS in my teen years. I would always think about how nice it would be to have a boy take his clothes off and let me touch his entire body. I visioned it in my mind constantly and when I got to see my friends shirtless, I would remember that image and just go nuts later in my room. It's literally the best addiction to have because of the climax and the fact you never have to pay for it. You can always find some crazy way to get you off even if you didn't pay for porn.
I fell in love with some of these boys of course but there still was that constant fear of what others would think if I told anyone. Even if I was really sure that a friend was gay, I still wouldn't because I feared that people would look at me differently and I didn't want to be like that. I would constantly try to prove myself as "one of the guys" simply because I wanted to be around them and I felt passionate love and sexual tension for some of these boys. But they still saw me as different and eventually would not want to see me outside of school. This was what the first two years of high school was like for me.
However a younger friend of mine, Evan who I felt an extreme love and attraction for came to the same high school as me when I was in grade eleven. We spent lots of time together and we made each other feel well loved and special. But he was straight and I found that out when I told him "I like guys" and asked if he would "try stuff with me." He looked completely weirded out and worried so I laughed it off and told him it was a prank I was playing on him.
I'm not even sure how it came about, but we started to joke around and touch each other over the clothes in our private areas. I was only half joking of course ;) Him allowing me to "jokingly" grab his buttocks, or fondle his penis or play with his upper body over the clothes, was one of the best times I had experienced as a teen. But it stirred up more longings and passions for boys in my life.
We got our high school friends to act in the same manner and it was making me go crazy inside. Especially when I met all of his friends in his grade that thought we were nuts together but loved us. We inspired boys to act out on their inner most craziest urges and they didn't have a problem with us grabbing them as a joke. My sexual passions were at an all time peak by grade twelve and I didn't even care that I didn't have a girlfriend that much. But at the same time I spoke out against being gay, even in a class presentation I did in front of my English class.
There was even a girl who had looked up on the fact about being born into being gay and she had many insights to say on the opposing view of my topic. She works at one of the Saskatoon gay bars now. Some people agreed with me and some didn't. I really didn't want people to know that I was gay, so I figured if I spoke out against it, then people wouldn't think I was. As I look back now, I see that people who are so anti-gay to a major extreme, are usually just closeted people who don't want to be viewed as a perversion... sounds familiar!
I had more friends in Evan's class because of how crazy and open I was around him and it made the younger class feel more accepted. There were so many of them I was more attracted to than the guys in my class. Which made me decide to not go to my official after-grad party and invite some of these guys who I really liked in more ways than one. ;) At one point of my party we were in our underwear, running through a park and I gave a boy in red briefs a really nice smack on his buttocks. ;) I teased myself way too much in high school with all of this joking around which just lead to much much much more masturbation.
There was also the porn aspect of things. My grandparents handed us down their old computer and I watched a lot of porn and also went on web cam with boys in other parts of the world. Boys sent me private pictures and I was loving it! I would always ask myself, "why can't boys hit on me in Saskatoon like they do on the internet?" But many other boys were too scared to act on their desires as well. There was way too much homophobia in our school and I was missing out on all of the private teenage sexual encounters due to my offensive stance on being gay at the time.
I once gave into my sexual temptations however. I met a guy online and we went the Starbucks in the Midtown Plaza. We went to the movie "The Lady in the Water" and because I knew he was gay, I made my move. I put my arm around him and because the theater was nearly vacant, it eventually led to making out. We got to rubbing each other all over and playing with our "private areas". ;) We were both so into each other but it was purely lust. We went into the empty washroom and I was ready for "love". In a nutshell, no condom, no lube so it didn't work very well from behind. I asked him for oral but he obviously wasn't really into it after what we tried prior. So we went outside and were ready to go home... We didn't even finish the movie!
On the bus ride home, all I could think of was how dirty I felt and that it wasn't what I had expected. I messaged him on the internet and he was all smiley faces. I immediately told him that I wasn't ready and there was just a quick "ok". I thought that God surely didn't want me to be gay at all.
I was even more about religion and attended a really big Alliance church. Evan and I went to a number of different churches over the years and what sold me onto this one, was the youth retreat. I met many new friends and felt closer to God then ever. But religious distortion was still getting to me and I felt like I needed to clean up my sexuality. So I got a girlfriend who went to the church and we became best friends. We hung out lots but I was too afraid to make a move. I didn't have any natural urges to make any moves. I asked to kiss her once because that's what couples do but she said she wasn't ready and I just didn't know how to ask her again. After our dates I would go home and watch more gay porn later in the evening.
I also met a boy in the church who I really loved and had intense feelings for. He saw me as this cool guy and we were extremely close. Even closer than Evan and I ever were. When my girlfriend broke up with me, I was okay with it because I still had my new friend. He came over for many weekends and there were so many nights that I wanted to hop into bed with him and make a move. I didn't want to scare him off though. It was short lived however, when he got into the wrong crowd and into drugs. He stopped hanging out with me and it crushed my heart. It hurt way more than my breakup! I was beginning to realize that this longing I had for other men would never go away and I eventually despised God for doing this to me.
I stopped going to church, I moved out of my mom's and I finally "came out" to everyone in hope that I could make my passions into something good. Family and close friends I had met over the years were fine with it even though it was a very emotional experience for me. I still watched porn a lot but started to date other men online. However the internal battle due to sexuality and religion was still very much alive in my head. So I would often end my relationships quickly after the first kiss. I would wonder if I made the wrong choice but still grudging God for supposedly saying what I wanted most all of my life was an abomination.
I gave up on God and my life went from "out" and appearing "proud" to disastrous and suicidal all within a year. In my mid 20's, my religion was sex, drinking, masturbation and witchcraft. Love was no longer in my heart because that grudge against God turned more stale and more evil than ever before. I went to the gay bars, took guys home and had lots of sex. I was addicted to the sex, the touch of another man's flesh and the pleasure I felt when I was up against him. Pure lustful pleasure and God was nowhere to be seen in my life for a while.
Before I could end my life, Evan wanted to start going back to the Alliance church. I said "no way man" at first but then I really needed to ponder what I was doing with my life. I decided to go back when I realized that the last time I was happy, was when I was with the church. I hadn't been there since I was closeted though... The church was homophobic in a "loving" manner. "We love you but do not support what you do". I couldn't blame them at first. I was so promiscuous that it still felt like I didn't have God in my life even though I was going to church. I tried having less sex for the sake of being a better person while telling everyone it was all for God. It wasn't really, I was still questioning the whole God thing.
People from the church convinced me to go to a ministry group to bring me closer to God again. It was a class that I took once a week and it went back into your past. We spoke about who hurt us, who we hurt and how we can make things right with God again. I got the hint that they wanted me to change my "lifestyle" into something a little more celibate. Yeah right! I thought to myself. I was having sex far less than before and gave my life back to Christ but I would still have some fun lustful pleasure on occasion and continued to watch lots of porn.
I tried giving my life back to God a few times but was skeptical about it at first. Finally there was a point where I officially gave my life back to God and there was no turning back. I dismissed all skepticism and was ready for my life to get better. I was even considering walking away from being gay but soon after realized that would be too much of a life sentence for something wanted so much all of my life. There was way too much passion, longing and love in my heart to give it up and I felt it was God-given! A man who would love me for all that I am, who would make me feel like a gem and I could go crazy for with every expression of love. From the heart to the physical desires to the very center of my soul. After all, the bible does say:
1 Corinthians 7:8-9
But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
So I could try to run away from my desires and be celibate, but in all reality I have way way way to strong of urges inside me. For the places in the world who do not allow same-sex marriage, make your own Holy ceremony for one another and stay committed! Because there's nothing worse than having no one making you accountable for all of these lustful desires inside of us. Replace them with a love and companionship where you can safely become something more than just desires but intense expressions of love.
I left the Alliance church due to all of the homophobia shortly after a young adults night that sparked interest in an Ecumenical GSD (Gender and Sexual Diversity) Christian support group. The topic of the evening was "homosexuality" and the pastor used the traditional verses used against gays at face value. But there was a question period (hand picked by the pastor). However many of my friends came to support me and even a pro-gay Anglican Youth Minister woman I met through Saskatoon's ACC (Avenue Community Center for Gender and Sexual Diversity). We spoke from our hearts and brought up things that some people never considered before.
The Anglican Youth Minister, Emily and I had a meeting at the ACC and shortly after started a group that is now know as Sanctuary Saskatoon. I met a lot of people in the GSD community and we have helped each other become stronger people immensely. I later became Co-Chair for the Saskatoon chapter Integrity, an Anglican gay rights group that meets monthly for Eucharist and discussion, which Emily is chaplain for. She was ordained into the Priesthood in 2013. I also sing in the Bridge City Chorus, a GSD friendly choir, as a bass singer.
As you can see, I'm pretty busy for God! Whether its a choir concert, a GSD-friendly Christian meeting or other special events in Saskatoon that I feel spiritually lead to be a part of. I'm there and ministering to gays in Saskatoon. But what about my addiction?
We live in a world where sexual images are just a click away and easy to get our hands on. The more I see the images, the more I want them and the more my mind slips into lustful desires. Sometimes I slip and I still mess around with other men. I sometimes come across the wrong place and the wrong time and my desires still burn for more. "But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." I have faith that I will find my match in this life because right now my lustful passions still burn within me and they get so hot that I can't control myself.
I often say a prayer that God would send me an angel. I hope and pray this for the rest of my days but understand that people don't always get their soul mates for the rest of their lives, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I'm still a sinner and I'm not better than any of you. However I think through my story you can see that I'm a lot like you and see that I want the same things in life that you do. Please help slay the demon called Homophobia and maybe we can help each other live less sinful lives.
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