To the Holy Cross High School class of 2004

In the fall of 2000 I entered into a our high school which would leave me with all of these memories haunting me for many different reasons. I, like many of my former classmates, was scared and was on this quest for people to like me. Being a little socially awkward at times sure didn't help my situation and although I made a lot of people in my grade 9 class laugh, they eventually grew tired of this energy which had worked for me in the past to make friends and feel a little better about myself.

As I look back, I tried too hard to make friends and although I made people laugh, not many people got to know the guy that was struggling to live a happy life. Sure, I may have appeared happy on the outside but inside was a completely different story. Struggling with certain passions on the inside that I was told were sinful and just often wondering if God still loved me even as a child, feeling most close to God than any time in my life.

Maybe it was because I was going crazy on the inside with these struggles of mine that I struggled to get to know all of the wonderful people in my class. The ones that I started to get to know often seemed to have other friends that they connected more with. While I don't blame myself for struggling, I can see how those connections with other students just didn't happen. I wasn't being myself and for the most part, the only part of myself I was comfortable sharing with people were my wacky sense of humor and my faith in God.

Due to my own personal struggles with self identifying myself due to the passions I looked at as "impure", I'm pretty sure that I hurt some people. I was one of those guys that made fun of people for looking "gay" or even called people "fag". "Sticks and stones", I suppose but there were some moments that I really am not proud of besides the name calling. At time I used my struggles of religion and my affectionate desires as a fear tactic onto others.

Yes, I was one of those people that at times told people that being gay was "sinful" and a "damned lifestyle". I remember one time in particular when I did an oral presentation on the subject in Mr. Swales grade 12 English class. Telling people that "they can change" and that "they're only gay because of insecurities within their gender roles", when all that I was really doing was making fellow students feel like there was something wrong with them... That the passions they feel for individuals of the same-sex was something to be shamed rather than embraced with love.

I felt like that if I spoke out against what I was going through, that maybe I would get enough courage to diminish my attractions towards the same-sex. Maybe in doing so, I committed "social suicide" with my peers. As I look back today, I was the one to be shamed at that time.

Today I live with my same-sex partner in a lovely apartment in downtown Saskatoon and the reality that I face is that our love is no different than anyone else's. But also that I have this guilt that lies within my heart while wondering how what I said to people in high school has shaped them in who they are today. Have the words that I said struck gays and lesbians in a way that they felt they couldn't come to terms with themselves sooner or ever? If that is so, and any of them are reading this, I just want to let them know how sorry I am and that you will indeed see me at our reunion in September. If you need to let it all out and tell me how much it hurt you for me to be so homophobic, I am willing to take it.

Every time I think about the homophobic words I said back then, I say a prayer for those people it may have affected. I pray that they find the love in their lives that they deserve and that their lives be happy and blessed. Because no matter what anyone tells you or whichever belief system you follow, what matters most to humans is that we find what we desire most in life, especially when it comes to love.  It would sadden me to hear that any of my classmates never found what they deserved, especially when after so many personal struggles, I did. It's also never too late to attempt to fulfill those dreams.


With love,
Your former classmate,
Ryan Willey

When I Imagine Myself with a Woman

Every once in a while, I remember when I was a child watching the film "Look Who's Talking Now" with Kirstey Alley and John Travolta.  The one with the talking dogs...  There's a scene near the end of the film when the father is coming home to his family for Christmas after some troubles getting home.  The mother gets all emotional when she see's her husband and I remember when I was watching this, for some reason I thought to myself that I wanted a wife and a family one day.  I was about 10 and was afraid of my attractions towards other boys.  But for some reason, this film gave me this feeling on how nice it would be to have a wife and kids.  At the time, I felt certain that that's what I wanted.





Today the thought of being with a woman is certainly unpleasant.  It doesn't do much for me physically and of course I just don't have that connection with women that most guys have.  There were times when I would toy with the idea in my mind, but the fantasy of having a wife has died as I got older and figured myself out.  There are callings in each of us that our souls that we cannot deny.


Sometimes I toy with the idea in my head, being married to a woman and having kids and the white picket fence... It's just sooo not me ;) I imagine if I were in such a situation, where I lied to myself for too many years, that it would end in disaster.  I imagine that I would be falling in love with all of my new best friends and there would be this hole in my life I'd be wanting to fill but never being able to.  No pun intended. ;)




I had a girlfriend once... I even thought about marrying her and it wasn't even me who broke up with her.  She dumped me... maybe it was destiny... I mean look at all that I have done for the community for gay rights and understanding.  All of the people that I help be comfortable with what they feel inside and showing them that it's perfectly healthy for them to be going towards their happily ever after... Maybe not all of us get there, but I personally would rather not going crazy inside with a dream that would never have a chance to be fulfilled.




Some would say, just change your dreams.  Well yea, people's dreams do change at times because we become wiser through every experience that we have.  But the thing that always worked for me, is being true to myself and being good to all those who come across me.  I try my best. ;) I've been blessed with all of the good things that I've experienced in my life; a family who supports and loves me, a loving boyfriend who finds me irresistible, a sustainable job and all those wonderful people who follow me with a glimmer of hope in their eyes.




My childhood dream wasn't really for me, while some people might argue that it should have been.  Well I also wanted to be a police officer but do not have the physical capabilities to do so.  Our childhood dreams evolve and it's perfectly fine.  It just shows growth as a person and love for myself.  I may not be completely sold on a religion, but I am still seeking for "Truth" in myself, in those all around me and possibly the divine.

Something I Will Not Tolerate

Lately I've been thinking about the kind of world I'd like to live in with my lover, which has caused me to reevaluate how tolerant I should be towards anti-gay religious fanatics.  I dream of a world where my lover and I won't be looked at as perverts, a danger towards children, sinful based upon our expressions of love and finally a world where we will not have to be fearful to hold each other's hands in public.




I tell you this because I want people to really think about what it means to "wipe out homophobia"... I won't tolerate people who judge me just because my lover is the same sex as me, even if it's because of their religious beliefs.  You can't polish a turd, homophobia isn't something beautiful just because it's a part of your religion.  It is not any more tolerable just because your religious beliefs say differently.  Discrimination against those of a loving nature and while doing no harm is despicable and wrong.


Homophobia is disgusting, hateful, evil, shameful, degrading, etc.  If your religious beliefs are upsetting so many people who are not harming anyone, then what are your beliefs doing to them on the inside?  Every time you spout out your mouth to us, it tears up our soul a little bit, some more than others.  I'm past the point of caring what religious fanatics think about me but I do care that they are influencing vulnerable individuals to suppress their right to living the loving lives they desire.


I will not tolerate any form of homophobia!  My dream is that the world will "wipe out homophobia" because this is "the devil" that lurks in congregations and many other forms of communities.  We are not evil, nor are our expressions of love.  The real evil is the indifference that is caused by people in these communities.  You have no right to be upset about our own personal wishes and if you get in our way or speak out against us, then I wont tolerate it.




I tell all people with good wishes to follow your dreams and when someone tells you to tolerate people who disagree with you, know that they are not worth arguing with.  Because while "love can move mountains" some "brick walls" will just never fall until they start to parish.  Besides, your actions will always speak louder than words.  As long as you're following what you know is right in your heart and not harming anyone, then the divine will guide you to your destination of love.

The Man of My Dreams

Finally, at the age of 28, I have found my soul mate.  You know, the person we hear about in love stories? Someone just so unbelievably like the person I asked for in prayers and in my dreams.  Someone who loves me more than any other person on this earth.

It was hard for a while before I met him.  I often wondered if I would end up like one of those creepy old guys you see in the bar staring at the younger ones, with this voice in he back of their head saying that they've missed their chances.  But by following my heart and being true to myself, breaking free of everyone else's expectations and just being, I am on the right divine path and finally met "the one".  I believe that we all have a soul mate but the only way we get to that person is by following your most cherished dreams and being pure hearted.  It's essential for a relationship.

My boyfriend and I have laughed together, cried together and most importantly; loved together.  We know what each other are thinking without even saying a word.  Sometimes when we're not together, we can feel what kind of day the other is having without even knowing.  Our connection is stronger than any other we've experienced.  We are true lovers even in a world where religious fanatics tell us "gays can't have functional relationships."

With every day we spend together, our relationship is stronger and we have proved to ourselves time and time again that it doesn't matter what others think of us.  We only live by our own expectations which follows closest to our hearts and our hearts are like one.  It's our love that slays the idea of our loving expressions as being sinful. When we burn with passions, we're their for each other. We're there for each other for many reasons and all we can do is laugh at the those who make theories about us from afar but are not willing to walk with us.  Because only those who have walked in these shoes of ours, know the truth in our hearts and in our lives.  Sometimes people can see enough of that and realize that there is no "devil" in what we are doing.

The divine is with us, guiding us through our relationship.  It's unquestionable to us because of all of the magical things which we've experienced together.  Any doubts of the goodness in being gay are shattered when we are together and our love conquers this demon lurking in congregations and other communities.  The demon of arrogance which is projecting fear onto us from afar. But as long as we're far from it, it proves that people aren't willing to understand.  I challenge those who are anti-gay to break free of fear and see how some of your thoughts are not necessarily so.  Befriend us rather than fearing us and staying your distance.

The man of my dreams has entered into my life and I couldn't be happier.  It's like I'm in this dream that I haven't awoken from because it's all too magical and wonderful.  Never fear your desires of love because as long as you continue to do you part to positively share your power within yourself, then the right things will come and challenges will get easier.  They have in my life anyway.

"What's with this Witchy Stuff?"

Not long ago I sat down with a friend who is a priest in the Anglican church. She's been beside me for sometime as I have been battling the Goliath in the church called homophobia. She is someone very dear to my heart and I have the utmost respect for her.

I hadn't seen her in a few months and since then I had come out about my spiritual beliefs which are very close to the Wiccan beliefs, although I do not necessarily practice very many rituals. So she asked me, "What's with this witchy stuff?" I had been worried about telling her, because she had the most faith in me becoming more involved in the church, she told others in the church that she could see me in ministry. She had set up appointments with people in the church in regards to my vocation with the church.

It seemed like a pretty good idea at the time... but deep down inside the depths of my heart, mind and soul there was this battle going on. I had this fear, that if I were to obtain such a role in the church, that I would be lying to myself. I wondered if I would change certain aspects of myself that I cherish. I wondered if I would actually be me, or be holding back on the magic inside me that now seems to flow so beautifully and freely.

Just before my priest-friend's sabbatical leave, I stopped going to church to break free and dig down deep into my body, mind and soul. The result being that the magic inside me, hadn't been enlightened in my life to it's fullest, which is now my official spiritual goal. Then recently, I was sitting in my priest-friend's office about the Christian support groups which we had coordinated together.

I basically answered that I was journeying and that I had become in touch with my most inner-self. That I wasn't sure about the "God thing" because I don't want to be narrow minded and not consider what other's believe. I told her that I loved the Jesus story but question it's legitimacy. I asked, who really knows that they're right about God in this world?

At the end of our meeting, I was sitting with her, waiting for my boyfriend to come pick me up. She told me a little bit about this story about these blind men feeling this elephant.

The Blind Men and the Elephant

John Godfrey Saxe (1816-1887)

It was six men of Indostan

To learning much inclined,

Who went to see the Elephant

(Though all of them were blind),

That each by observation

Might satisfy his mind.

The First approached the Elephant,

And happening to fall

Against his broad and sturdy side,

At once began to bawl:

"God bless me! but the Elephant

Is very like a WALL!"

The Second, feeling of the tusk,

Cried, "Ho, what have we here,

So very round and smooth and sharp?

To me 'tis mighty clear

This wonder of an Elephant

Is very like a SPEAR!"

The Third approached the animal,

And happening to take

The squirming trunk within his hands,

Thus boldly up and spake:

"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant

Is very like a SNAKE!"

The Fourth reached out an eager hand, 

And felt about the knee

"What most this wondrous beast is like

Is mighty plain," quoth he:

"'Tis clear enough the Elephant

Is very like a TREE!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,

Said: "E'en the blindest man

Can tell what this resembles most;

Deny the fact who can,

This marvel of an Elephant

Is very like a FAN!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun

About the beast to grope,

Than seizing on the swinging tail

That fell within his scope,

"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant

Is very like a ROPE!"

And so these men of Indostan

Disputed loud and long,

Each in his own opinion

Exceeding stiff and strong,

Though each was partly in the right,

And all were in the wrong!

Source:

http://www.constitution.org/col/blind_men.htm

She told me that God is like the elephant and the blind men are all like men from different religions.  That God is even bigger than what any man can describe, which I would have to agree with.  Whether it be "God" or some other sort of supernatural force, the story behind our existence will most likely always remain incorrect by the human race.

So we retreat and we find our own personal meanings in our lives.  For me, it's spirituality, the power within, family, friends and most of all; love.  A lot of the things that are taught in religions are valuable and work great for people, and I have nothing against that.  But in today's world, I think that it's all common sense now.  That we don't need to worship ancient stories in order to find divination in one's life.  Doing your best as a human being and following your dreams are what brings this world together.

Maybe indifference will one day be defeated if we all just learned to listen rather than bite each other's heads off because of simple disagreements and misunderstandings.

Haunted

I think of my past a lot.  My favourite moments of my life, friends who I miss hanging out with and even who I once was... These memories I hold onto, sometimes I wish I could go back to and relive my most cherished memories and it doesn't help that the world seems to lose goodness as we grow older.  Maybe everyone thinks the world was better when they were younger... Maybe I'm just running after these memories that haunt my heart because things just aren't the same.

You know, those memories that give you these unique feelings that we just can't describe?  And in the moment we don't even realize just how special those moments really are until we're haunted with replayed memories making us feel like our best moments have passed. I remember my friends in high school, running around the city like idiots, shooting fireworks at each other just not giving a shit about tomorrow.  Or even further back, when my extended family would have our holiday get together's at my grandparents' house, singing carols.  I remember going to Youth Groups, when I never really thought about such things as dogma or sins.  Just being a kid, doing things that kids normally do.

Then one day, responsibilities rush into our lives and things start to change faster and sooner.  Life gets harder, and sometimes even darker.  Day by day, finding it harder to fight our demons and fearing that our greatest nightmares will one day come true.  But the people we love, the people who are there for us, seem to make us want to fight our demons, because without them, where would we be?

I'm trying my best, day by day, to create even greater memories than the ones that haunt me.  I'm trying to have faith in my future and holding on to the people in my life that I create good, positive memories with.  I wonder, at the end of our lives, because all that we have are our haunting memories, will I be happy with the memories that I have?  Will my life feel fulfilled?  I'm trying my best to make sure it does.

Pondering My Existence

I often wonder why we're here and why the source of why we are here never seems to come forth and explain the big mystery.  Was our existence just all a fluke?  Or did we come from something divine? It all comes down to what you choose to believe I suppose because it's the one thing that always will remain a mystery in my eyes.

I really want to believe that we have divine plans in our lives and that each one of us was born at a certain time, a certain place and with certain people in our lives.  I'd like to think that we were created by something.  But I often slip in to this empty feeling of being lost in all of the theories and as a result, I'm left with a scary realisation that for the rest of my life, I will be pondering why I am here on this earth.

Of course there's my wonderful family and friends who have made my life something worth living and even wonderful for the most part.  They ease my mind of all of this pondering I have and for the moments I'm with them, nothing really matters but us.  The love and truths that are shared between us give me this happiness and encouragement of taking on my life further and further.

But if for some freak reason, everyone I knew and loved left me, what would I have?  Still left with all of these ideas of my existence and trying to make sense of it all while my ideas evolve further, until finally I'm at the end of my rope and I can really only rely on what I have come up with on my own for my beliefs.  But is it really ever enough?

There's so many theories and stories about why we are here and all of them seem to be different, but for the most part they all have similarities.  Maybe it's just because of how humans think or maybe it's just because we've found agreements with each other somewhere along the way.  But real knowledge of what happened, never comes forth.  Science and theories always re-evaluated and corrected.  Theories changing even more.  Whether your pro-religion or pro-science, we're all just lost in a sea of voices shouting out ideas about why we're here but nothing ever is for sure.

I wonder... If a God created us, why wouldn't he silence all of this yelling and screaming about our existence with an absolute unquestionable truth?  Are we ever truly "found" by God in a world where everyone seems to be lost in their theories of existence?  Or does it all make sense when we die?  Do all of the energy and thoughts not burn out, but transfer to a place beyond where the divine shows us the truth?  I have no idea and frankly it's all a little too mind boggling at times.

I guess I'll just continue to do the best with all that I have and all that I am... Because nothing else seems to work.