Our Salvation

“I want you to know that I'm praying for you”, it's a line we hear a lot in the LGBTQ community from family, pastors, activists, politicians, etc. Some of us may find the sentiment of this line loving but often times, most of us are left wondering exactly what these people are praying for. With some people it’s obvious that they are praying for our salvation which to them seems loving but when we look at the psychological effects of such prayers or upbringing, we begin to realize how unloving it really is.

Of course we first have to start by looking at this in their point of view, that a sinful lifestyle is a threat to the salvation of the person they are praying for, thus harmful to their journey here and into the afterlife. Some would say that it’s the most loving thing they could possibly do when they see a loved one lost in a world of sinners. But where it becomes truly unloving, is when a person becomes so narrow minded of their own beliefs that they won’t even bother hearing our passions of the heart within their spiritual community. Not that we shouldn’t understand the why of this attitude, which they think if they believe in one alternate reality which does not line up with the dogma of their sole religion, then it may be a slippery slope and supporting LGBTQ people may cause a domino effect of misguided beliefs. Thus being a threat to their very own salvation, however how does this religious psyche consider the feelings and love of others?

It’s also the relationship one forms with their Divine Presence in their eyes. They feel an intimacy with their God when following the beliefs which they were raised on, but ultimately the feelings they have about these beliefs have formed because they were raised on them. It’s no secret that when a child is exposed to certain surroundings that it shapes them in who they are today. Between the ages of 7 and 10 we are most impressionable because we have started to understand the theories being taught to us. While we start to feel enlightenment which is a basic human function that often becomes confused with intimacy with the Holy Spirit. I’ve been there and I know exactly what that is like, to where the evangelicals told me enlightenment from God was him holding me in his arms of love. Followed by a self-righteousness which gets confused with an only path to God, even though we are sinners and we all struggle. But those sins are apparently forgiven when we are on that path, and our sinful struggles are not as bad as long as we strive towards our salvation. Causing even more corruption in the church when people use the Devil as a scapegoat and give the responsibility for their actions up to God.

There’s no proof that they’re right for following this path, but there’s also no proof that they aren’t. So they become stuck in this limbo where even if they have the occasional desire to support the LGBTQ community, it gets tangled in the “if’s”, “and’s” & “but’s” of their belief system. Freewill is very limited for a person like that, and it’s become one of history’s greatest tragedies that mind control comes before loving your neighbour in religion. When around every fifty years Christian denominations make changes to their dogmas due to new understandings, it’s the LGBTQ community whom has taken the longest to receive apologies from church communities. Let us not forget that slavery was once considered righteously sound and when today Christians look back with sorrow, that still even today they remain under control of the Devil within their own communities. The Devil simply being the politics in which shows injustice to all of those within the LGBTQ community who are treated as less of human beings because of fear.

I’ve often heard Christians say “I don’t fear the LGBTQ community but…” and while they may not be afraid of our existence, they still are afraid that our ideas may infect their homes. That heaven forbid, their children listen to us with sincere hearts and that they may not believe everything that lies within their belief systems. Our civil rights movement has become something of an inconvenience to them, and that’s the ultimate reason why there are so many hateful Christians within their churches. But also why there are so many hateful people within the LGBTQ community… That’s right, many of us have expressed extreme hatred towards Christians, and while I do not condone acts of hatred… On the other hand it’s human nature for a backlash to happen when so many Christians have filled our heads with fearful echoes which has taught us to hate ourselves for basic human emotions and desires we have which we cannot change.

Not even ex-gay therapy admits to taking those desires away but only changing the ways in which we might conduct our behaviors. In other words, anyone who has gone through such therapy, is still gay and only submits to the enlightened notion to be with a woman or celibacy. All because old text from religions of ancient people who viewed us as different, began to fear us. The word homosexuality was not even in the first English translations, but referred to effeminacy most likely referred to pedophile slave enablers of prepubescent boys. Never has the bible ever referred to same-sex couples in loving relationships, or transgender people who had the ability to change their born-sex in a safe manner.

It’s bullying to tell someone to love themselves or their neighbour but to put limitations on that love because their lover has the wrong body part or they do themselves, pure and simple. But fake radical Christian love isn’t patient or kind, it’s merely a feeling of inconvenience and indifference. It’s pitying those whom they think are living lifestyles which threaten their salvation, even when it has become psychologically sound by doctors who follow their basic professional guidelines and standards to not look at us as disordered. When in all reality, the only intrinsic disorder involving LGBTQ people in regards to religion, is the so-called love they claim. Which leads to hate and indifference from both sides of the coin.

So thanks for the gesture which you deem as love, but I don’t need your pity and by pitying my husband and me, we earned more of a right to pity you. Because we’ve already experienced the narrow walls of the church and we once believed the echoes within. But you have no idea what it’s like to fully embrace the human experience and your indifferent attitudes are far worse than hate. Because we believed you to the point of suicidal tendencies which told us that if our salvation was threatened by emotions and desires which become too powerful to itch, then there is no point of waiting for our inevitable doom. Some of us would rather die than to live through the denial of our loving expressions or who we are, because if we take those away, then it feels like we’re not really there inside but just living a life in auto-pilot through our own personal Hell. Eat, pray, sin, repent, repeat but with no enjoyment in life. With temporary enlightenment of the path we may live, while the big issues which lie within human nature which really matter to us are simply the void of our salvation, while they psychologically outweigh the passion we could possibly have for your religion.

Yes, some people seem to enjoy church, they enjoy all sorts of characteristics of their religion. But think of it as a hobby, because after all there are some things one person likes while another person likes something totally different. Like our sexual orientation or inner gender, we can not choose certain aspects of who we are. Some of us simply don’t like going to church and others don’t have the interest of applying religion into their lives at all. If the kind of Christian I mention in this blog is right, I have some serious doubts on how perfect this God really is…  No one can deny the psychological ramifications which Christian culture has had on the LGBTQ community, because until you’ve lived the life of seeking love, yet shaming yourself for it, then you have no right be as arrogant as to slip in your religious comments such as “I continue to pray for you.”

I continue to bind the arrogant energy of those prayers, while my husband just doesn’t care if someone is praying for us in that manner. I consider the energy in such prayers hexes and unless we believe in them, they continue to have no effect over us. And I won’t believe in a Divine Entity which wishes us to be so inhuman as to cut off the feelings and desires of life which should be celebrated. Because in any other person’s life it’s perfectly acceptable, but in ours, even though we’re married, we have to put boundaries on basic human expressions of love in order to allow God to save us. Keep waiting for your miracles because they’re never going to happen. Or better yet, give your head a shake and stop assuming you have better answers to journeys which you are not walking in. Once you have done this, you will have progressed in society and begun tackling your sin of homophobia.

My Jesus World

      I recently visited with an Anglican friend who is looking to get the ball rolling with LGTBQ activism for those who have unresolved issues or feelings within the church, Christian or not.  I was extremely nervous, because I knew that some of the things we would be discussing, might make me emotional.  Which it did…

      My spur of emotions started when she asked me simply out of curiosity, with no ulterior motive, why I swore off of the Christian God altogether.  I told her something I hadn’t fully put together until recently.  That when I started calling my Divine relationship “Jesus”, that there was psychological baggage that came with it because of past experiences in religion.

      I never enjoyed going to church as a Catholic child, but for some reason I enjoyed my intimate relationship with what I referred to as “Jesus”.  Then the evangelical mess happened which of course you can read about in my book, and those experiences of manipulation really effected my “Jesus World”.  I wasn’t myself, and even when I took a break and came back to the church while out of the closet, I still wasn’t myself…  The name “Jesus” became a curse to my intimacy with the Divine because of the negative power it had over me.

      She asked me if I missed being a Christian… I cried and said that I missed it.  Why did I cry when there were so many negative experiences in my past?  Because I wanted to be that light in people’s lives that inspires them to be their true selves while embracing their love of “Jesus”.  But I couldn’t be myself in my “Jesus World”, and when I began the path to ministry work, I stopped.  I could tell I was shifting my personality even more and it wasn’t even anyone’s fault at the Cathedral I was attending.  They treated me very well, I was valued by them and being gay wasn’t sinful in their eyes.  Saskatoon is very lucky to have such accepting Anglicans, with the exception of one congregation which is quite homophobic because of the priest who resides there.

      The way I saw it, once I had awoken my inner-child and started over with spirituality, is that there is no real proof of who’s right about religion.  So believe in something which will give you a positive experience in spirituality.  I love that the Moon Goddess especially inspires me to strengthen my wisdom, while the Sun God inspires me to make that wisdom alive in my journey.  How the God and Goddess change as the seasons turn makes me feel beauty in the Divine.  I know that I can do as I will while doing no harm, and have good karma return to me, which makes me feel that I can simply be all that I can be, with little baggage.  The only baggage now, is how others perceive me as a witch, but their opinions simply don’t matter to me because I am no longer in my “Jesus World”.

      I recently walked in the Pride Parade with my Anglican friends as I will be supporting them and others in their new journey, and providing them with the wisdom that they seek.  I’ll feel safe as long as I wear my pentacle and stay grounded within my “Witch World”.  It’s time for me to heal souls in my own way, and help detoxify the abuse experienced in Christianity.  I hope they can do what I was unable to do and find a way back into their faith.  But if not, of course I’ll tell them that there are other options by sharing my story.  My Anglican friend let me know that this group would not be about trying to make everyone Christian, but just to simply heal and help people find the courage which we have found in order to be themselves.

Emotionally Crucified

“Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.”

Sounds familiar to the Christian community, doesn’t it?  However sometimes events happen in our lives in which forgiveness is impossible.  In broken homes, the backstabbing of a friend, or even being brainwashed by a church.  We may try to forgive them, even just for the sake of a weight being lifted off of our own shoulders.  But it never quite changes the stale memory of the people who hurt us, thus we’ve seen a side of them in which we are unsure about.  Who else are they hurting in this way?  Will they ever grow up?  Sometimes they never do which makes it even harder to forgive them.

Of course there are ways we can meet our abusers half way, like just trying to understand them on a personal level.  At least it’s the next best thing, right?  This may allow us to let certain things go, but that memory is still there.  Attempting to forgive people who refuse to change their ways is a lot like talking to a brick wall.  Nothing ever gets through and in my life I’ve witnessed this too many times due to religious beliefs, even though those beliefs are evermore hurtful to those who wish to do no harm and just be themselves.

Sure, I poke fun at religion at times, it’s my way to find humorous release in my life in order to cope with the abusers in my life.  Our mothers’ advice is that if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it at all.  That means keep any negative thoughts about one’s life to yourself, because if you let that energy out to a person whom you haven’t walked in their shoes, then they know what you think of them and pretty soon you’ll realize what they think of you.  They will just assume you’re an atypical arrogant seat warming bible thumper in the church with no real inspiration to grow in a spiritual manner in order to love your fellow neighbour.

Where abuse comes into play, is when you start giving someone unwanted attention.  This means that if a Pastor decides to arrogantly talk about homosexuality as a “sin”, then that unwanted energy towards the LGBTQ community is abuse.  There’s always someone in their own congregation struggling with who they are, and when those words are spoken they stab the well being of someone listening like knives in the heart.  What kind of spiritual relationship do you expect someone to have with the Divine if that’s the kind of dialogue used in relation to someone like them?

I have not forgiven anyone who thinks that way about me.  My sexuality is NOT the struggle, it’s forgiving those with such pitiful beliefs.  How could any reasonable person believe that after all?  A part of me says that I don’t give a flying fuck about what people think of me but that comes with an exception.  I care when it’s a friend who I have respect for and once they tell me what they think about the life that I live, it’s like poison eating away our relationship because suddenly my opinions don’t matter as much as their hurtful beliefs.  The fear in their hearts lead to an indifference to people like me and that is something that I find unforgivable.

I have Christian friends and one of my best friends is a Priest who visits me almost every week.  We watch movies together and he plays with my cat.  Friends like him really show me the “love of Jesus” because nothing he has ever said to me has been hurtful.  Those are the best friends which one could possibly have I believe, where differences simply don’t matter because there’s something much more important than the intruding fear of one’s salvation.  The love for your neighbour which includes the respect for different beliefs.

When I poke fun at Christianity, it at times may seem disrespectful.  However if you meet me half way, you’ll likely see why I do what I do at times and likely will learn that it’s not something I do out of disrespect for all of Christianity.  I mentioned it’s a coping mechanism at times but it’s also a way to show my disrespect to the arrogant “believers”.  The ones who judge me from the outside rather than the ones who take an impact in my life.  So if you find yourself unhappy with me because of things I post on Facebook, I really should remind you that unless you have taken initiative to be there for me in my personal life, then you don’t really have the right to be upset with me…  That’s something I learned along time ago in regards to religious and political posts and I wish the same for all of you.  Maybe in time I’ll forgive you as well.

I Am Releasing a Very Important Book in Today's World

In a time when our rights are becoming uncertain due to new political powers, I am releasing my book into the world because it is needed.  The right-wings are gaining power and too many people on our side are becoming violent, hostile and negative.  I know that it’s a challenge at times to not be like this, so here I am asking you to remain calm for a moment and read my book.

People who have read my previews have expressed that this book will help many people in the struggle to be themselves in today’s crazy world.  Yes, it’s a book on witchcraft and being gay in right-wing communities, however with an ultimate message of encouragement.  Encouragement to be yourself, let your spirit shine in positive manners and simply stopping to enjoy the small things in life.  It shows why it’s important to not stray so far left or right from the general paths in life that you’re harming yourself and others.

Whether you’re left, right, gay, lesbian, bi, straight, black, white, Christian, Muslim, Wiccan, etc.  The overall tone of this book will help you if you read with an open heart and an open mind.  Because it can be a struggle to find love in a world full of so much hatred and destruction, but in reading this book you will find that being yourself in a loving and caring way will bring abundances of happiness in your life and if enough of us share these abundances, people’s hearts will change in a world with so much fear.

So become the devil which these extremist right-wings fear, because they don’t understand the love we are capable of.  Show them the devil they fear is nothing more than people crying out for love and acceptance, and that their actions are so much more pitiful than ours.  Because they also fear that we are capable of the same love that they are and until they see it for themselves, we have so much loving to do.

I present to you, Becoming the Devil They Fear: A Gay Book of Shadows.

You can read previews from the book here.

You can order copies here.

New Information Coming Soon About My Book

I'm wondering if there are any souls who subscribed to my amateur blog posts which I stopped posting over a year ago.  I have a new book coming out this week or next called Becoming the Devil They Fear: A Gay Book of Shadows.  I will be releasing a more formal plug when it is available for order with a link to where you can order from McNally Robinson's website.  You can read previews to my book HERE!

The Abortion Issue

When I was a child, my sister and I had a couple of hamsters and one had babies.  I didn't quite understand why the mother chose to eat her babies, but today I have a better understanding.  The mother understood that we, as humans could do whatever we wanted to these babies against her power and although we didn't plan on harming the babies, she knew that she couldn't protect them from what we were capable of.


It gives me an understanding of why some mothers, even though they are loving and caring towards children, make the decision to terminate a pregnancy.  Sometimes mothers cannot make a judgment on whether or not their child will live a life without constant struggle and wounds that may effect their children for the rest of their lives.  I understand that they may not want to bring a child into certain situations that are against their power.  Mothers deserves to have the choice.


It's not a very happy topic. I know that the choice can even haunt them for the rest of their lives but they usually already understand that.  Even so, they deserve the right if they so wish.  It's a personal matter and if you hold it against them, then you need to shake your head.  This is something that does not concern you.  Even if you are a mother who had thought about making the choice and decided not to.  Even if you are a mother who is so happy that they didn't do it and couldn't imagine your life without your child, it still does not concern you unless you are asked.  There are different circumstances in every life.


We live in a world when lives are very far from perfect and making it hard for people to even stay stable themselves.  Sure, there's adoption.  But some mothers don't feel that they could give the child up for adoption for a number of different reasons, which again do not concern you.


It is not up to you to make judgments against mothers who make the choice.  They are already unhappy that they went through with it, just as they would be unhappy that their child is off somewhere in the world and they're not allowed to know if it's okay.  The kind of thoughts that could make a woman go crazy.


I know that the haunting memory of the choice isn't of a good mental decision on the other hand but you can see why it is such a difficult decision to make and why they don't deserve bible verses or prolife statements shoved in their faces...  generally they know there will be consequences for the choice.  How are you helping by spouting comments of shame?  Let them live on and don't stand in their way of a possible happier tomorrow.  They're only human for Christ's sake.

I Do Understand Why You Don't Agree with My "Lifestyle"

When I think of my recent wedding and the stress that came shortly before it, there was nothing more stressful than dealing with my husband’s religious family members.  However, it’s not like I don’t understand where they are coming from.  I once believed that God wouldn’t be happy with me if I embraced my inner desires.  I also tried convincing myself that these were just feeling of lust and likely not something that contributes to the love of God.

In high school, I was proud to be a Roman Catholic and practiced a mostly chaste lifestyle.  I wanted to please God in every way that I could, however my “weakness” like most other teenage boys was masturbation.  Any time I had strong sexual feelings for another boy, I shamed myself then even further shamed myself for what I did in private.  However that’s not a habit that’s easy to stop as a teenage boy with all of those hormones going crazy.  Otherwise, I was all about saving myself for a wife.  I wondered if once I had a wife, that maybe these desires would be tamed or even go away.  Go ahead and laugh. ;)

In almost every other way, I would say I was the typical good role model as a Catholic boy with the exception of my dirty sense of humor I enjoyed sharing with classmates.  My social life wasn’t the greatest because of how much I brought up the religion subject but I was close to God and to me that was way more important.

My childhood best friend introduced me to churches other than Roman Catholic ones too.  He was more into the charismatic evangelical churches and although I proud to be a Catholic, I enjoyed meeting new friends in these other churches and also enjoyed the way they worshipped a lot more.  I actually enjoyed going to church when I went with these friends, whereas when I went with my family to Catholic Church, I didn’t feel welcome by the regular church goers.

I made a decision shortly after high school. I felt as if God was liberating my soul in a way.  I wanted to be more open to these other churches.  We all worshiped the same Jesus and as a Catholic boy I was taught by teachers that the bible isn’t completely accurate and the catechism has been changed on some past issues in the first place.  So how can I be so sure that the other denominations were all wrong?

There was a boy I went to meet whom I had been chatting with on “Myspace” and we went to go see a movie.  I gave into my desires with him that evening and I just remember on the bus ride home how ashamed I felt.  I then said to myself, that I would never do that again.  I told him when I got home on my computer that I didn’t want to see him again.

Eventually I made my regular church an Alliance one.  I liked that they wanted me to get involved and looked at me with a lot of respect.  They even let me wear my baseball cap to church!  I was like “I never have to do my hair for church here! Awesome!”

I took chastity even more seriously and even had many church member pray for me about the “sin” I did in private.  I was addicted to porn by this point, although I didn’t share the kind of porn that I was watching to my friends.

Eventually I was a leader for the youth in the church and through a retreat I met a girl who seemed as silly and goofy as me.  We got along great I showed her so much respect in our relationship, except what I was still doing in private.  The prayers and the suppression were not helping and now there were even male friends in the church who I was having these desires for.

My girlfriend dumped me because she could tell I wasn't interested in her like other couples show each other.  I had a friend who got into the wrong crowd shortly after the breakup who I was very attracted to, and I struggled with those feelings for him.  Being a believer that this was not right, I didn’t act on these feelings.  When he met these new friends, he didn’t come to see me much anymore and the hurt I experienced from that showed me that I loved him much more than a friend.  I missed the way he would hug me, the way he told me he loved me and that I was his best friend. 

I still struggled for quite some time.  But it got to the point where my old friends felt that I was becoming too religious and I missed them.  I started to reevaluate what I was doing to myself and the friends that had been there for me since before all of this happened.  I’ve had best friends before, and finally realized that whenever I called someone my best friend, I truly loved them as something more.  The thing I most wanted was a male best friend who wanted me as much as I wanted him which I had yet to find.  The hurt and pain that I experienced from the friend who stopped seeing me was far too intense to ignore.  I was aware that I needed someone special in my life.  I stopped going to church and recognized that there were some things that I needed to figure out with the people in my life who want me in their lives just because they loved me and not because I shared similar beliefs as them or went to the same church as them.

As I got older, I realized how much more I needed a companion in my life in so many ways.  I never have done well all by myself.  I lived by myself for around 5 years in an apartment and those were some of the darkest times of my life.  I was suicidal at one point and although I was embracing my sexuality by this point, I would get “cold feet’ a lot due to the echoes of the church.  I started to realize that nothing in my life would work unless I gave myself over to love and became more trusting to other people in my situation.  I started to date more seriously and seeking someone to spend my life with.  A couple of times it didn’t work out and I even started to question religion again at those moments.  I started going back to the same church and I got a little sidetracked with them again.  At one point I was willing to walk away from my desires, but I just didn’t see myself being happy if I were to go down that road.  So I “got on my soapbox” and told as many Christians I could that I am gay and that I believe there is nothing wrong with it.  I even brought a boyfriend to the Young Adults Christmas Banquet that year.  I got some weird looks, but I was in love and the looks I got didn’t bother me that much.

I’ve told most of this part of the story before in past blogs, so I’ll just say that my courage eventually cause a spark for rights in different churches.  I was part of two different religious groups for gender and sexual diverse people eventually and again stopped going to that church.  I got involved in the Anglican Church for a short while, however by this point I was questioning Christianity altogether.  What I had experienced in the church for the most part was not very loving.  There was always conditions of this “love” they shared and it was not the kind of love I recognized for even family and friends.  The kind of love people go above and beyond for.  The kind of love that I show my husband.

My relationship with my husband is the most pure form of love that I have ever shared with someone.  I’ve never loved someone as much as I love him.  I’ve found that person in my life who wants me as much as I want him.  How could this love we share be something as evil or unnatural as so many people claim?  If it’s the sexual act that you’re against, well I’m not going to go up to you and say what you should or shouldn’t do in your bedroom… in other words this “sin” you claim I’m committing is simply not your business.

Make it your business the love we are experiencing from our relationship, not things that do not concern you.  You’re entitled to your opinions that this isn’t a real marriage, but you cannot deny that this is a real relationship and that we are helping each other tremendously in our lives.  We will always do so.  We’ve found each other and the sooner you accept that we are a huge part of each other’s lives, the sooner that we’d be more willing to visit with you and hear your thoughts.  Be respectful and loving, not fearful and indifferent.  From those who know us, if you are to show us love and respect, we will show the same to you.  Let’s honor our rights on this earth by being more civil and loving…  I swear I’m not the Devil.  I am a loving person who has good intentions and a very caring nature.  How could you have such an issue with me?